Scanning a dictionary with words swimming through the yellow tint of the worn out pages, one word catches my eye and sends remorse coursing through my veins.
One word which encapsulates my life’s entire being.
One word that is apt to be my epitaph.
‘Maimed’
Definition: Rendered inoperative, Injured
"Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end." – Anonymous
Despite the warning, I set off on the war path…
The Opponent:
Sparkling eyes, a charming smile, an overwhelming aura.
He was the angel I once thought heaven sent for me.
He was the sun that I believed shone only for me.
The Weapons & the Blows:
A silence that conveyed volumes, shattered by the noise of the truth.
A trust that defied reason, betrayed with such brutality.
A love that rebelled against logic, maimed by ruthlessness.
A fragile heart surrendered in hope, damaged beyond repair.
My walls came crashing down leaving me defenseless against the blows that were yet to come. Hanging on with a faint pulse of doubt, a brain numbed of its senses, eyes blinded by sorrow and a life devoid of any spirit, Love blew me away and here I lie in ruins…
The Post-War Trauma:
Only survivors know just how incapacitating love can be. An emotion so potent can bring about nothing but devastation.
Like the water that threatens to gush forth, swallowing everything in its wake, like the night that creeps up, engulfing all in its never ending enormity, I regained consciousness only to find myself with nothing but a glimpse of heaven and a maimed love.
The dawn of every morning now finds me anticipating the worst as dread looms large on the horizon.
Happy and sad, laughing and crying, victorious and defeated, physically able and emotionally disabled, in a crowd and still alone...the two faces of one person.
The world seems to zoom past me, while I stand rooted in the past clutching onto a future that will never be.
Suddenly I’ve become my best company, harboring the assumption that every kind act disguises a sinister motive. Happy people come across as notorious. You guessed right. Cynicism now makes up for all the lost time.
My tears have a new found flamboyance. They showcase their shimmering best, no longer wary of the presence of an audience.
Grief, despair, tears, agony, etc., are all synonyms for solace…English really is a funny language.
Life is a weary, uphill climb...and they have the audacity to sing ‘ain’t no mountain high enough’.
Their climb was definitely not steep enough!
Life’s screenplay has become taxing; wringing me dry of any emotion and making me want to skip right through to ‘The End’.
Looking out the window at the setting sun, a sun setting on me, no longer in the skies just for me, realization dawns with stealth that my angel was never sent for me.
That glimpse of heaven was never meant to be, as a maimed love has come to be my identity.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
To a Trash Magnet....with love
I was not really on a mission to clean the world. Yanked out of my comfort zone, I was dropped in the middle of Nowhere*, left wondering why I was singled out and bestowed with the ‘honor’ of being a Trash Magnet. After years of unwilling endurance, I met a fellow Trash Hero who showed me that life was not hard to get by with a pocketful of sunshine despite the truckloads of trash.
To that hero: It’s been an absolute pleasure to have met you Srinidhi Raghavan. You are the best present I never asked for but God knew I needed.
Waiting at the bus stop everyday, hordes of people pass me by and it’s startling to see how each one is a strange extension of the other...
...and then YOU come along...
A little head bobs out of a bus and there’s no need to look twice. In the everyday grey, a riot of colors is not hard to miss – you are just that. In a hop, you’re off and the spring in your step is contagious enough to make me bounce as well!! Would you believe it? Me…bouncing?!
You came into my shell and made yourself comfortable. In time, you cemented a little corner for yourself; a corner that would come to be my reservoir of happiness. Together with you, an insane joyride had only just begun.
Your chatter lended an adorable chime to the daily drone. With a smile that spread from ear to ear, you warmed everything you touched, like the first rays of the sun. It’s wonderful being at the receiving end of a heart that's so full of unconditional love.
There may be differences that put us on two planes, but getting to know you has reflected a similar core. I’m glad you’re someone who is only too happy to share my nothingness; silence has been my all time favorite conversation with you – nobody understands better.
The one time I truly loved – my love story was and still might be a disaster in slow motion. Through it all, your support has meant the world to me.
You’re moving on to clear up another part of Nowhere*, but you're leaving me with so much; a delightfully colored vocabulary, an eagerness to see what hell's like, a newly renovated and welcoming pit... We don't need to be lauded for battling life's trash; its now second nature.
This post is only my attempt at stringing together all that you have come to mean to me – my attempt at ‘Thank You’ for being a friend.
Summing up, with a beautiful song:
"You just call out my name and you know wherever i am, I'll come running to see you again. Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall, all you gotta do is call. I'll be there, yes i will.
You've got a friend."
*Hyderabad
To that hero: It’s been an absolute pleasure to have met you Srinidhi Raghavan. You are the best present I never asked for but God knew I needed.
Waiting at the bus stop everyday, hordes of people pass me by and it’s startling to see how each one is a strange extension of the other...
...and then YOU come along...
A little head bobs out of a bus and there’s no need to look twice. In the everyday grey, a riot of colors is not hard to miss – you are just that. In a hop, you’re off and the spring in your step is contagious enough to make me bounce as well!! Would you believe it? Me…bouncing?!
You came into my shell and made yourself comfortable. In time, you cemented a little corner for yourself; a corner that would come to be my reservoir of happiness. Together with you, an insane joyride had only just begun.
Your chatter lended an adorable chime to the daily drone. With a smile that spread from ear to ear, you warmed everything you touched, like the first rays of the sun. It’s wonderful being at the receiving end of a heart that's so full of unconditional love.
There may be differences that put us on two planes, but getting to know you has reflected a similar core. I’m glad you’re someone who is only too happy to share my nothingness; silence has been my all time favorite conversation with you – nobody understands better.
The one time I truly loved – my love story was and still might be a disaster in slow motion. Through it all, your support has meant the world to me.
You’re moving on to clear up another part of Nowhere*, but you're leaving me with so much; a delightfully colored vocabulary, an eagerness to see what hell's like, a newly renovated and welcoming pit... We don't need to be lauded for battling life's trash; its now second nature.
This post is only my attempt at stringing together all that you have come to mean to me – my attempt at ‘Thank You’ for being a friend.
Summing up, with a beautiful song:
"You just call out my name and you know wherever i am, I'll come running to see you again. Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall, all you gotta do is call. I'll be there, yes i will.
You've got a friend."
*Hyderabad
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